i am out with lanterns looking for myself
a journey to self discovery, a journey that will never end.
I have always stood in front of a mirror, it follows me everywhere. I wonder who I am I wonder who I will be, the mirror feels like a taunting reminder that I am nothing now and won’t be anything ever.
Trying to contain my emotions about whether I have a future is hard. I am only 17, and I have a life ahead of me, but somehow, my mind makes me believe I don’t. My body tries to break free from this thought, but a force punches me back into reality. I am a nobody, insignificant, a grain of sand on the beach.
I feel like a bird, captured by a hunter, framed to a wall with its wings pinned, It is alive but the only way it can escape is taken away. Much like us humans who have a hard time accepting ourselves, Our body wants to reach out and fly around but is captured by our hunter (the brain).
What is self-discovery?
“the act or process of achieving self-knowledge.”
But isn’t that supposed to be a good thing? Getting to understand yourself and making goals in life when you have finally discovered yourself?
no.
What it does is it rips you apart at the chest as soon as you realize you are not what you thought you were, you are not how you want to be, or you will never be who you thought you were going to be.
People may think that they have cracked the code by finally “discovering” themselves but the reality is, you can never fully understand yourself, Self-discovery is a very high standard and an unrealistic goal to have in life. Sure you might feel like what you are doing is what you have been destined to do and feel like this is the real you, but is it?, What i’m trying to say is that every single decision we ever make may it be moving an object in your room from one place to the other or a huge career step, all shapes us and we are evolving and changing every single second so you cannot really grasp yourself or the real you ever.
Some may argue that this is a pointless discussion since everyone experiences life differently, but I believe self-discovery is inherently paradoxical. It has no final destination, if it were a straightforward journey, there would be a clear endpoint where one fully ‘knows’ themselves. However, in reality, every discovery only leads to new questions, making self-discovery an ongoing, infinite process. In that sense, it does seem somewhat useless.
my journey with self discovery:
For me I have always been trying to find myself, the real me, the real noor, But have always failed some may say I haven’t tried hard enough or I am still young and I have a long time to discover myself. What if I don’t want to? What if I don’t care about it. i will change every given second. I am not the person who I was at 16 and that was a time when I thought I had my life figured out until it all fell apart. I have always anticipated the present rather than the future and think about things that I did in my past that shaped the present.
Nostalgia ruins me, but it doesn’t keep me from appreciating the present. I cherish my friends, my life as it unfolds, and I recognize this as a privilege. That doesn’t mean I don’t long for a good future, I do. But will it come any closer if I spend my time chasing it instead of living now? Perhaps it isn’t in my destiny, and if so, I’d rather look back knowing I truly lived than regret not savoring the moment.
Ending this piece I want to add that, finding yourself and trying to get to know what is held inside of you is not something bad however it should not be your life goal, it shouldn’t hold you back from enjoying the present, you shouldn’t set goals for yourself that are so unattainable you might hate yourself when they aren’t accomplished. Human beings live this life only once and you aren’t living it and instead are focused on a future that is not promised.